


cause all i know is where i've been

by KateShepherd



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/F, I keep doing this, I make myself sad, Light Angst, Underage Drinking, i just love her so much, im so sorry, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 10:20:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8098375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KateShepherd/pseuds/KateShepherd
Summary: Time is going slower. 
  
   She’s falling, and she knows she’s about to die.
  
   Her life starts to flash before her eyes. 
  or, What Beth thinks about before she dies





	

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so some things, Josh is in the same grade as the twins (he's still older thought). I'm pretty sure its not cannon but screw it. 
> 
> Also Beth has some problematic moments (a tiny bit of ableism, but nothing major) but she does get past it, and learning from your past mistakes is how you grow as a person.
> 
> Lastly, enjoy!

Time is going slower.

She’s falling, and she knows she’s about to die.

Her life starts to flash before her eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

When Beth is eight, she’s convinced she can do everything Josh can.

In fact, she’s so sure, she often hangs around him and Chris while they play, just to show them she can be “one of the guys” too.

Hannah’s annoyed that she always makes them play by the boys. They're jerks anyway, why would Beth want to impress them?

Beth’s interest is pulled away from playing with dolls when she hears Josh say, “I dare you to climb that tree.”

She sees exactly which tree they're talking about. It’s the old one on the edge of their yard. Their mom thinks it’s dead, but doesn’t bother to remove it. It’s on the corner of the woods anyways.

The thing is around thirty feet high, and has thick branches that are just low enough for her to reach.

Beth remembers seeing Josh trying to climb it once, but he chickened out and only got a couple of feet up. She’s tried to climb it too, but only made it half the distance of Josh’s climb before giving up.

Chris, like any sane eight-year-old, declines in the most scandalized tone Beth’s ever heard. Josh in return, starts making chicken noises at him. He’s getting frustrated by Josh’s mocking, but Beth only sees it as encouragement for herself.

She throws her doll (technically it’s Hannah’s, but they share everything) to the ground just as Hannah was in the middle of saying something. Beth sprints to the boys, and looks up the tree.

“I’ll climb it,” She says. Josh only scoffs at her.

“You’re not going to climb it,” He laughs, “you’re going to chicken out again!”

That was last year, but this is now, and Beth refuses to fail.

Hannah run to her side, just before she starts climbing.

“Don’t be a dummy,” Hannah says, the worry obvious in her voice. She looks as though she’s about to cry. Beth doesn’t notice, though, she too focused on finding a good place to start.

“I can climb it,” She assures her sister. “I’m awesome at this stuff.”

It’s a lie, she’s awful at climbing, but she knows she can’t back down now that she said she would. Josh would never let her live it down.

Hannah nods, but Beth can tell she’s not convinced. It doesn’t matter. Beth starts up the tree.

It’s easier at the bottom. The branches are thicker and close together, but as she climbs they seems to be spreading farther and farther apart.

She gets a little scared about five feet up as she looks up and sees how much more she needs to climb.

She carries on.

Chris is cheering for her. Hannah is holding her breath. Josh is, well, Beth can’t tell. He’s always been so hard to read. She thinks he’s mocking her, and so she climbs a little faster.

By ten feet, her fear triples. She’s so high up now, and the branches seem to be half their size. _Don’t be a wimp,_ she tells herself, _keep going._

She climbs higher and higher, nearly losing her grip a few times. The branches aren’t only thinner now, but they’re a lot farther apart. Reaching for them is a hassle, and she has to hope that each branch is strong enough to take on all of her weight as she grabs it.

Chris stops cheering by fifteen feet. Even he seems a little worried now. Hannah’s shouting now, telling her to come down. Josh is still as stone faced as ever. It makes Beth yell down a refusal to her sister.

 _See,_ she plans to say to Josh when she reaches the ground, _I’m not just a stupid girl. I’m as tough as you._

It’s at twenty feet that the old tree finally breaks. Beth’s only foothold snaps, and she’s left hanging by her left hand.

Hannah screams her name, and Beth desperately tries to find another branch she can rest her feet on, but they’re all just out of reach.

It snaps, and Beth falls.

She falls fast and hard. All the branches in her way snap like twigs as she slams into them, and she’s much too shocked to feel the pain of each force.

Beth remembers hearing shouting, but then that’s it. Everything goes dark.

She wakes up two hours later in the hospital.

Her arm’s broken in three places (she keeps the x-rays just to show off her battle wound), her ankle is fractured slightly, and her ribs are bruised.

Hannah is still crying when she wakes up, and Josh looks as though the life’s been drained from him. Beth doesn’t remember ever seeing him so pale and afraid.

She’s about to ask what happened when her parents come in.

They yell at her, and worst of all, they yell at Josh. Beth’s too nervous to defend him, and even if she did, they’d still blame Josh for not stopping her.

A week later, the tree is cut down.

 

* * *

 

She’s ten when she becomes the oldest.

Their parents don’t say much. They simply tell the twins that Josh is sick and he’ll be home soon. Hannah doesn’t understand, and neither does Beth, but she doesn’t say a word. They wouldn’t explain it to them anyways.

Hannah cries for the rest of the day. She does it in their room so their parents wont see.

Beth visits her after an hour. She sees her sister shaking and sobbing, and it takes everything inside of Beth not to start crying too. She raps her arms around her twin and rubs the back of her head. It’s what their mother used to do whenever they got nightmares (that is, before she started working again).

She only leaves when Hannah has calmed down, and even then Beth does not cry. She can’t.

 _Josh is sick,_ she tells herself, _so I’ve got to be the strong one until he gets better._

“How long will it take before he’s better?” Beth asks one day while her mom is cooking dinner.

She doesn’t answer her, and simply changes the subject. Beth resents her for it. She doesn’t notice the tears in her mother’s eyes as she stomps away.

Josh comes home few days later, and Beth is relieved she can go back to being the youngest sibling. She won’t have to constantly worry about Hannah and hope Josh is okay.

She tries to convince herself that things will go back to normal.

They don’t.

Josh is quieter. He doesn’t make jokes anymore, not even the mean ones that make Beth mad (he thinks she looks funny when she’s mad). He’s silent, and his smiles are forced.

Their parents don’t seem to notice. At first they spend a few days at home, but then after a week off, they set off back to work.

They leave them with a baby sitter, but she does nothing other than make them dinner and watch TV on their couch. So, Josh mostly looks after them.

This time, he sits in his room, ignoring them completely.

It upsets Beth more then she can put into words.

Hannah notices his odd behavior too. She starts to cry again, and wishes for Josh to go back to the way he was.

Beth wants the same thing, but she never tells Hannah that. She simply does her best to comfort her as she did before. She hums in her sister ear and holds her close.

She’s hugged her sister millions of times before, but this is the first time she’s ever felt like she _held_ her.

Beth feels like a mountain. She feels her sister’s pain, and does her best to sooth it while she carries and holds onto her own.

It’s a powerful feeling. Beth hates it.

Josh starts to get a little better as the days go on, and pretty soon, he starts to seem like his old self again.

Hannah seemed to disregard the incident entirely, going back to their normal routine and playing together as if nothing changed.

Beth can’t forget though.

She thinks back to when she was younger. Josh always seemed so tall to her then. Her big brother felt like a giant, or a mountain. A height she always wished to be, but always seemed to fall just out of her reach.

She’s sees him now. Sees his true height.

He isn’t all that tall, in fact, to Beth, he almost even looks kind of small.

She can’t go back to being the youngest, not now. She needs to be the strong one if Josh can’t. She needs to be the one to look after them.

Beth wonders if he can see it. If Josh can see how much taller she stands next to him.

(He does, and he hates himself a little more for it. Beth never notices, though)

 

* * *

 

Beth is eleven when she meets Sam.

It’s hard to be excited about Hannah making a new friend when she’s too busy being jealous.

The two of them have been inseparable. They’ve always been in the same classes, had lunch together, and talked to the same people. But middle school has gone and ruined it.

She can’t look after Hannah while she’s at the other side of the school in a completely different class than her.

They don’t even have lunch at the same time, and there are days when Beth doesn’t see her until the bus ride home.

Luckily, Beth’s got Josh/Chris in most of her classes as well as her lunch period, so she’s fine. Hannah on the other hand has no one. They don’t have a single class together.

For the first week of school, Hannah cries everyday because she so alone and too awkward to make friends.

“I’m a freak!” She tells Beth. She assures her twin that she’s not, but Hannah never listens. It breaks her heart.

Beth figures she should be happy for the miracle that Sam is, but she isn’t.

In the back of her mind, she feels a voice come in and telling her that Sam is taking her spot. She knows it’s not true, it’s the same damn voice that told her that climbing a dead tree was a good idea, but what if it is right?

Beth can’t help but be cold to Sam when she first comes over their house.

Chris is also spending the night, and Hannah is beyond excited for her first ever sleepover.

“We have sleepovers every night,” Beth says trying to hide her pouting. Hannah doesn’t notice and keeps smiling excitedly.

“No, but it’s like a real sleepover now!”

When Sam arrives, Hannah is the only one excited to see her. Josh is to busy picking which movie to watch to even notice her entrance, and Chris is too shy to say anything other than “Hi” to her (come to think of it, Beth thinks she and Hannah are the only girls he’s ever really talked too).

The more she learns about Sam, the more she hates her.

“I just moved from Wisconsin,” She says. _Redneck,_ Beth thinks.

“I’ve got three dogs and a cat at home.” _Hoarder_

“I’m a vegan.” _Nature freak._

From the look of shock on his face, Beth can tell Josh was thinking the same thing. He’s friendly to her though, and even lets her pick the movie.

She picks a Disney movie, and Beth has to stop herself from rolling her eyes at the childish choice. Hannah seems excited about it though and pops everyone some popcorn.

When she returns, everyone has their sleeping bags set up on the floor. Sam was even kind enough to set up Hannah’s for her. Which she must have purposely set up to be as far away from Beth's as possible, she's sure of it.

Beth can feel the steam coming out of her ears.

Halfway through the movie, Josh takes a seat next to her. She’s too busy shooting Sam the “stink-eye” to notice he’s there. Beth jumps slightly when she hears him chuckling.

“You always look funny when you’re mad,” he says. Beth crosses her arms and turns her “stick-eye” on him.

“I do not,” she says.

“Yeah,” he laughs, “Your eyebrows always come together like this.” He pulls his eyebrow together, and they look like a V-shaped unibrow.

“I don’t look like that!” Beth hisses. Hannah shh-es her from the other side of the room as she and Sam sing along to one of the songs. Sam’s voice is amazing, but Beth just sees it as another reason to hate her.

“You got a problem with Hannah’s new friend?” Josh whispers to her.

“You don’t?” She hisses.

“What’s wrong with her?” he asks, “She seems nice.”

“Maybe now,” Beth mutters, “But she’s going to hurt Hannah, I can tell.”

“How?”

“I don’t know, twinstincts,” it comes out more uncertain than she wants it to. She catches Josh shoot her a knowing smirk.

“You’re jealous,” He says.

“No I’m not!” Beth replies, her voice rising. This time it’s Chris who shh-es her. Beth hadn’t even noticed how into the movie he was getting.

“Beth, you’ve got a nasty case of the green monster for little miss Sammy,” Josh teases.

For a second, Beth considers punching Josh in the face, but then Hannah would ask why, and she’d have to explain herself. _I’ll just wait till later,_ she decides

“Listen, just ‘cause Hannah is hanging out with someone new doesn’t mean she’s gonna abandon you,” He continues. “Seriously, it’s a good thing she’s learning to make friends. I was honestly starting to get a little worried she never would.”

“I’m her friend,” Beth says pouting slightly.

“You’re her sister,” Josh argues, “she’s always going to need you, but that doesn’t mean she _only_ needs you. She’s gotta make her own friends, and Sam seems like a pretty good choice for her first one.”

Beth isn’t really sure how to respond. She knows it’s great that Hannah is making friends, and that it’s even better she won’t be alone in school anymore. In fact, the only downside to Sam being friends with Hannah was that Beth would have to admit Josh was right.

“When did you get so smart?” She teases with a slight grin. Josh shrugs.

“I guess you pick up a thing or two when you actually listen in therapy.” Beth’s smile instantly falls.

“Therapy?” She asked.

Josh’s face drops and he mutters something Beth thinks sounds like, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Without another word he practically sprints out of the room. Hannah takes notices and shoots Beth a considered look. Beth just shrugs, and Hannah and Sam start singing along to a new song.

When he comes back, he takes a seat next to Chris and ignores her for the rest of the night.

They finish two more movies, and by then, Beth decides that Sam is all right. She even has a small conversation with her about how Aladdin is the sexist Disney prince. (“You guys are wrong,” Josh chimes in, “It’s obviously Eric.”)

By the time Beth drifts off to sleep, she’s not worried about Hannah anymore, but she is slightly worried about Josh.

 

* * *

 

Beth’s thirteen when she get’s into her first fight.

Hannah has been getting picked on, Beth knows that much. Hannah herself won’t admit it, but Sam confides in her while Hannah is out of the room.

Beth is seeing red when she learns this. Her hands curl up into fists and she is ready to kill the girl. The only problem is that Sam doesn’t know who’s picking on her, and Hannah won’t tell.

She didn’t tell Josh about it. Beth decides it would be best if she handles it herself; after all, he was only just starting to recover from another one of his “incidents” (as their parents call them).

Beth’s not completely proud to admit to stalking her sister in school, or the fact that she skipped half of her classes just to find the girl, but she does it anyways. Oh and when she finds her, Beth plans to give her no mercy.

Beth sees a girl approach Hannah while she is alone in a study hall, and she recognized her instantly.

Jeannie Simmons, aka, the most entitled bitch in the school. As Beth sees her, she overhears a few of the things she says to her sister.

“Oh my god, you still have a pink Powerpuff Girls lunch box,” she laughs, “what a baby.”

“Leave me alone,” Hannah says in a hushed voice, and for a second, Beth’s a little proud of her sister. God knows how hard it is for Hannah to stand up for herself.

“What?” Jeannie says her voice turning from catty to cruel. “You think you’re better than me?” she asks. “You’re a freak, that’s why no guy in this school actually likes you. They all know you’re a nutcase like your crazy brother…”

That’s all Beth hears before she blacks out. One second, she’s walking toward Jeannie and her sister, the next she’s being pulled off of her by a teacher.

Hannah is crying, embarrassed by the whole thing.

Jeannie is crying too. In fact, she’s crying a lot harder than Hannah (Beth takes some pride in that). Her nose is bleeding and the skin around her eye is already starting to swell.

Beth gets a week suspension, and Jeannie walks off scotts free, even after a few people mentioned that Jeannie was bullying Hannah.

Beth is pissed at first, and then two days later Hannah tells her that Jeannie is avoiding her.

Hannah smiles widely and pulls her sister into a tearful hug.

"You're always looking out for me," she says as Beth holds her.

When Josh sees her shortly after, he gives her a thumbs up.

Beth’s doesn’t remember ever feeling prouder.

 

* * *

 

Jessica transfers to her high school when Beth is fifteen.

Despite being a sophomore, Beth is stuck in a freshman biology class. She failed it last year, and her father dragged the whole family away that summer to India for a movie he was shooting. So, she wasn’t able to make the class up in summer school like she planed.

She’s embarrassed being stuck in a freshman class with people she doesn’t know, but that changes once she meets Jessica.

She transferres over in the middle of the school year. She apparently got into some trouble at her old private school (some say she slept with a teacher, but Beth knows better than to listen to a bunch of rumors).

Jessica is seated right in front of her, and Beth finds herself having trouble focusing.

She has the silkiest hair she’s ever seen, and she knows blonde is not her natural color, but it looks so damn good on her.

Her bright white shirts almost always showed off her colorful bras underneath, and when she’s wears jeans, their always low cut enough for her to see her thong when she bends over.

Beth tries not to stare. She tries to be a good student, but Jessica has her fullest attention.

It’s not just her looks; it’s the way she talks. She sounds just so confident and sure of herself. Maybe it’s just a pinch narcissism, but Beth finds it charming.

Jess is just so full of life. She’s constantly the elephant in the room, and feels no shame in acknowledging it. The constant life of the party. Plus she’s the funniest girl she’s ever met, and Beth finds herself wanting to be best friend with her (because everyone has thoughts like those about people they want to be friends with… right?).

Jess is talking to her lab partner one day, twirling her hair and convincing him to do all of the work. Then, for the first time ever, Jessica actually spots Beth staring at her.

Beth feels her stomach drop.

“What are you looking at?” She asks. There’s something cruel in her tone, and it only makes Beth’s nerves worse. She opens her mouth to speak, but finds her tongue completely dry.

“I, uh, I like your bra,” she spits out. For a second, Beth is convinced that all those years of being friends with Chris have finally caught up to her, and his social awkwardness spread to her like a disease. Beth wants to slam her head against the hard, rock table.

Jess blinks for a second, surprised. Then she seems to relax a bit, and even smiles.

“Thanks!” She says in a peppy tone, “I got it at Victoria’s Secrets, it’s cost like a _million_ bucks. At least someone appreciates it.” Beth calms down a bit, but still felts her heart beating in her chest.

“Yeah, it’s really cute,” Beth says.

“Thanks,” Jess pauses, looking carefully at Beth, “Wait aren’t you the girl that showed me around the school?” She isn’t, but Beth knows exactly why she’s confused.

“Oh, no,” she says, “you’re thinking of my sister, Hannah. We’re identical twins. We’re like 13 minutes apart” _She didn’t need to know that!_ Her mind hisses, _stop acting like a weirdo!_

“Really?” She asks, “then why are you in a freshman class? Don’t you have to be like a sophomore or something to do that?” Dread fills Beth.  _Great, now she’s gonna think I’m a werido and an idiot!_

“Yeah, I am a sophomore,” Beth confessed bracing herself for Jess’s judgment, “I kinda failed this class last year, so now I’ve got to retake it.”

For a second Jess says nothing, then she smiles even brighter.

“Oh thank God,” she sighs, “I guess that means I’m not the only one who doesn’t get this stuff. Seriously, it’s super boring! Plus, we’re never going to need to know how to dissect a frog and stuff like that.”

Jess joins Beth and the others at their lunch table that day. She brings along her new friend, Emily, and Emily's boyfriend, Mike.

Beth’s familiar with them, but doesn’t know much about them other then Mike is their class president, and Emily is a genius.

Josh seems to be on friendly terms with Mike, though. So the three of them seamlessly join the group, and even though Beth and Jess are now friends like she wanted, she still finds herself wanting something more.

 

* * *

 

Beth’s sixteen when she has her first kiss.

She gets a note one day in her locker. It’s from a “secret admirer” and they tell her to meet them behind the bleachers during halftime at the football game that night.

Beth wasn’t planning to go, but she knows Jess is, and in fact, Jess had tried to convince her to go (Beth planed to stay home with Hannah to keep her crush on Mike from developing any further, after all, it was only going to hurt her in the end).

There was also the damning fact that the handwritten note was in a girl’s handwriting. Beth wasn’t sure if it was Jess’s but it looked damn near to what she expected it to look like.

Hannah didn’t even question Beth sudden change of heart. Instantly she starts picking out which outfit would catch Mike’s eye at the game.

Though Beth would never admit it out loud, she was doing the same.

She remembers an outfit Jess and Emily helped pick out for her. Hannah thought is was a little to “revealing” for Beth’s usual, comfortable style, but with both Emily and Jess whispering in her ear, it was hard to say no to the dress. Plus it was only one dress, she never promised them she’d wear it, and she hadn’t, until that night.

She slides into it just before the game in case Josh suddenly decided to get overprotective. She even puts on a jacket when she’s around him, just so he can’t see how low-cut the dress it.

It’s a bit of an odd choice to wear to a football game, but the second Jess sees her, her entire face lights up.

“Oh my god,” she says unzipping her jacket for her, “I totally knew you’d finally wear the damn thing!” she shouts excitedly, “you look amazing!” She looks over her shoulder to Chris, “Doesn’t she look amazing?”

“Meh,” Chris shrugs playfully. Jess slaps him against his arm.

“Don’t be rude, you totally know she looks amazing,” Jess says. Chris’s smile only grows.

“Oh yeah, our dear Lady Beth is simply quite marvelous,” He says faking a British accent, “shall I compare thee to a summers day.” Jess groans, and Beth laughs.

Chris’s new study partner, Ashley (who Josh keeps inviting everywhere Chris is) laughs behind her hand. She’s laughing harder then Beth, and the joke wasn’t even that funny.

“Thanks, Chris,” Beth says.

Her heart is beating at a million miles a minute. _Jess loves it,_ her thoughts race. _She actually likes me too!_

The game starts, and the whole gang take their seats together. Beth quickly zips up the jacket just before Josh comes back with the group’s snacks.

Hannah of course seats herself next to Mike, and Beth feels a little silly forcing herself next to Jess. She ends up stealing Emily’s seat, which slightly pisses her off, but Emily doesn’t cause any trouble.

The game starts, and Beth has never been more excited for half time. She counts the seconds and can barely focus on the game, it’s a shame too, she actually likes football.

“You see the guy in the back,” Jess says to her only minutes before halftime, “Number 23, his name’s Matt.” Beth nods along, but the name’s not familiar. “He’s in my English class, and he’s such a sweetheart. He sits next to me, and I swear he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. I bet he’d even give Hannah a run for her money for ‘nicest person’ award.”

Beth keeps nodding along, unsure of where the conversation was leading.

“Anyways I think I’m going to invite him to sit with us at lunch. I seriously think you’d love him, plus I checked, he’s single” Jessica winks at Beth, but she only responds with a confused glance.

“What?” she asks. Jess rolls her eyes.

“Listen, I know you’ve been waiting for a nice, perfect guy to come along, but seriously, Beth, you need to get out there, and actually try to meet some guys. And I know you’re totally ready for a little lovin’ or you wouldn’t have worn such a risky dress to a football game.”

Beth’s heart drops. _She’s trying to set me up,_ she realizes, _but if Jess didn’t write the letter then who did?_

The buzzer rings, and it’s half time. Beth jumps to her feet, trying her best not to look like as much of an idiot as she felt.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Beth blurs out. No one questions it, and no one notices Beth practically running down the bleachers.

There are kids from her school hiding behind them. They’re all drinking and smoking, but Beth’s not here for them. She walks slowly to a spot without any drunken teens, and wait, trying her best to push down the tears prickling her eyes.

 _Just because it’s not Jess doesn’t mean I won’t like them,_ Beth tries to reassure herself. _Hannah’s always telling me to give over people a chance, why not now?_

Minutes later, just as Beth’s nerves are about to get the better of her, she hears someone walking up from behind her.

She turns, and sees the one person she never expected to see smiling at her again, Jeannie Simmons.

She’s wearing a nice dress too. It’s a sundress despite the biting airs of autumn. Seeing her, Beth instantly zips up her jacket, ready to throw another punch if Jeannie yells something along the lines of “gotta!”

She walks up to Beth slowly, her hands folded behind her back. She looks nervous.

 _Defiantly a prank,_ Beth thinks, a rage growing inside of her.

“Hey,” Jeannie says, “I didn’t think you’d actually come…”

“What is this?” Beth asks, her tone as cold as ice, “some sort of prank? What a little revenge over something that happened years ago? Get over it!” Jeannie blinks surprised.

“It’s not a prank,” she says, “I really wanted to see you.” Beth says nothing, but she doesn’t believe her for one second.

“I’m a lesbian, Beth,” she says, “I’ve been trying to hide it for a long time now, and I’ve been so afraid of what everyone will think or say about me, but fuck it. I’m moving in a week, I’m going to New York, I’m never going to be back, and I needed to tell you that I liked you before I left.”

To say Beth was speechless was an understatement. She still doesn’t trust her, but Jeannie seems to be genuine.

“I just, I don’t know, it’s all dumb, but I felt like... Like I’d regret it if I didn’t say anything.”

“Are you… serious?” Beth asks, “Like 100% dead serious?” Jeannie nods, and she sheepishly looks to the ground.

 _Why not?_ A voice says, _Jess will never love you, not the way you love her anyway. It’s time to move on, less I become as hopelessly in love as Hannah._

Beth takes a step forward and closes the space between them. They kiss and it’s not at all what Beth was expecting. She had always expected her first kiss to be like fireworks, but this is nothing like that.

Jeannie is warm against the cold air, and her skin feels soft. She smells like raspberries. It’s nice, but Beth expected more.

 _Maybe it’s my own fault for expecting too much,_ she thinks.

When they part, Jeannie is breathless and smiling like a madwoman.

“That was amazing,” She breathes out. Beth wishes she could say the same thing.

She agrees to it anyways.

“When did like me?” Beth asked, a little amused, “Was it before or after I gave you a black eye.” Jeannie laughs.

“It was last year,” she explained, “you look exactly like Hannah, and then I realized you like gir-“

“Wait,” Beth said, her heart freezing, “what does Hannah have anything to do with this?”

“Well I had a crush on her in middle school and then there you were-“

“So you only liked me because I looked like my sister?” Jeannie’s silence speaks volumes, and all of the disappointments of the night seem to hit Beth like a truck.

“Fucking unbelievable,” Beth breathes out. Jeannie freezes. She takes a quickstep back afraid Beth was about to attack her again.

“FUCKING UNBLIEVEABLE!” She shouts. The tears are pooling in her eyes but she wont let them fall in front of Jeannie.

She looks like she’s about to cry too. Beth’s too hurt to even pity a girl like Jeannie.

“GO TO HELL!” She shouts in her face as she stomps off. No one other then the drunken teens overhears her.

The bell goes off and halftime is over.

Jeannie shouts her name, but Beth doesn’t listen. She doesn’t stop and she doesn’t care.

She’s crying now, tears streaming down her face, and she hates it. Beth can’t remember the last time she’s cried like this, or if she’s ever.

She’s walking out from behind the bleachers now, but she doesn’t feel like going back. Beth doesn’t want or need anyone to see her crying, to see her this weak and pathetic.

Beth keeps walking out of the stadium. She’s not fully sure where she’s walking, but she just wants to be alone.

Her vision is blurred by her tears and she raps her own arms around herself as she sobs.

Brown mud stains her shoes, and a thorny branch rips her dress. She doesn’t care, she keep walking.

Beth walks and walks until nothing looks familiar anymore, that’s when Hannah calls.

She declines the call, not wanting to talk to Hannah. It’s not Hannah’s fault for Jeannie, but she still doesn’t want to talk to her right now.

Hannah calls again, and Beth ignores her again.

She’s tried now, and takes a seat on the curb of the road. No one is driving down the road, and she’s finally alone. Beth curls into a ball and sobs into her arms.

She’s not even sure what road she’s on or how far she’s walked, and being alone isn’t making the pain feel any better.

_Jess doesn’t love me. Jeannie loves Hannah not me. Fuck, even mom and dad like Hannah better, she never argues with them like I do. Does anyone actually love me for me?_

She knows Hannah does, but it doesn’t make her feel better.

Beth loves her sister, but sometimes it’s hard being related to the nicest person alive. Next to the bright light of her sister, Beth looks like a speck of dirt. She can’t even imagine how Josh feels standing next to both of them.

After five more declined calls, Josh calls her. A sudden guilt stings her. It only mashes with her broken heart to make her feel shittier.

Worrying Hannah was bad, but worrying Josh was another case entirely. _I need to tell him I’m okay, or he’s going to go nuts._

“Hello?” She answers.

“Thank God,” She hears him mutter under his breath. “Beth, where the hell are you? We’re freaking out.” His tone sounds steady to the untrained ear, but Beth knows him too well. It’s the same voice he always uses before one of his “incidents”.

Beth cries a little harder when she hears it. She’s supposed to be the one to take care of them. She supposed to be the strong one, but all she did was ruin their nights by being pathetic.

“Beth?” He asks, “are you okay?” now the worry is apparent in his voice. “I’m putting Hannah on.”

“NO!” Beth shouts. She doesn’t mean to, but she just can’t talk to Hannah, not right now at least.

“…Okay” Josh says, “What about Jess?”

“No,” Beth says, a little calmer this time. _Especially not her,_ her mind races.

“Chris?” He asks uncertain.

Beth doesn’t want anyone. She wants to be home and alone so she can feel like an idiot in peace. She doesn’t even want Josh to know she’s crying, but it’s far too late for that.

“C-Can,” she wipes her nose on her jacket, “can you just come and pick me up.”

Josh is quiet for a moment, and Beth understands why. Asking for him didn’t simply mean for him to give her a ride. It was an invitation to see her weak. “Of course, where are you?”

She looks around, and using her phone as a flashlight, sees a street sign. She tells it to him, and he tells her he will be there in a minute.

Josh tries to stay on the phone with her until he’s by her side, but Beth hangs up on him, so he can’t hear anymore of her shame.

A few minutes later, Josh pulls up, alone thankfully.

He’s pale, it reminds Beth of the time she broke her arm.

She climbs into the car, and Josh stares at her for a moment, trying to find something to say. Beth wishes he won’t find the words, but he does.

“Are you okay?” He asks. He sounds uncertain, and Beth can hardly blame him. She can’t remember a time she’s ever let him see her this vulnerable.

 _Not since I was ten,_ she realizes, _feels like lifetimes ago, what I wouldn’t give to go back to then. Back before I lost my big brother._

“I’m fine,” she lies as lifts her knees to her chest. Beth kicks her shoes off and brushes her tangled hair out of her face. Her mascara is running, and she feels just as shitty inside as she looks on the outside.

“What happened?” He asks. “Did someone hurt you?” His voice is turning angry. It’s strange to hear him use that tone with her. Normally it’s Hannah he’s getting overprotective over, never her. Beth’s never needed it, she’s always taken care of herself.

“No,” She says, her voice cracking slightly. He knows it’s a lie. “Can we just go home?” She asks burring her face into her knees.

“Beth-“

“Please,” she begs, her voice small and weak. Josh doesn’t say anther word. He starts driving and Beth is thankful.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” He says in a piss poor attempt to comfort her. “If some did something you can tell-“

“I’m gay,” she blurts out. Beth watches Josh, trying to see his reaction, but he has none. She’s never said it out loud before, not even to herself in private. The words feel strange on her tongue.

“I figured,” He says after a moment.

“You knew?” She asks shocked.

“I’m your brother,” he shrugs, “I know you better than you think.” Beth's silent. “Did someone give you crap about it?”

“I kissed a girl,” she explains, Josh shots her a shocked glance, but Beth looks out of the window to avoid his gaze. She starts to cry again as she thinks about it all.

“S-She only…” she takes a breath trying to compose herself. She doesn’t want to turn into a mess in front of her brother. “She only liked be because I looked like Hannah.”

“That’s fucked up,” Josh says.

He’s got a storm in his eyes now. Beth sees it, and she hates it. She loves her brother, loves him more than she loves her own life, but even she’s smart enough to fear the storm inside of her brother. It’s another reason she’s never come to him for anything important.

“Is that what everyone sees me as?” She asks bitterly, “a discount-Hannah?”

“No,” Josh says instantly, “no ones sees you like that.”

“Mom does,” she answers shaking her head. “She’s always telling me to be more like Hannah. Remember when she sighed me up for tennis? I hated it, but she made me do three years of it because Hannah was a star at it.”

“She doesn’t see you that way,” Josh argues, but he doesn’t sound sure of himself.

“She’s literally asked me why I ‘can’t be more like Hannah’ last week when Hannah made first honors.” Beth tells him, her tone as cold as ice. Josh is silent for a moment.

“Our parents are shit,” he says coldly, “Dad once told me depression was all in my head.” Beth raises an eyebrow.

“Really?” She asks.

“Yup, imagine hearing that at thirteen.” He pauses, “you’re not a discount-Hannah, Beth. You’re you, and let’s be honest, you’re probably the coolest of the three of us.”

“No I’m not-“

“Beth, you can bench-press my weight,” A small smile crosses his lips, “It’s pretty badass.”

Both of them grow silent. All that they can hear is the humming of Josh’s car, and the sound of the wind slamming against the sides. It’s a nice moment. Beth thinks about it sometimes. It’s the first time she’s opened up to her brother in years, and it’s the first time she doesn’t feel as though she needs to be the strong one.

“It’s Jess, isn’t it?” Josh says when they aren’t far from their house.

“What?” Beth says her head perking up.

“You like Jess don’t you?” Her silence says more then any answers she could have thought of.

“I’m sorry, Beth,” he says, “trust me, I know how much it fucking sucks to like someone who’s never going to like you back.”

They pull up into their driveway. No ones home, and Beth’s thankful for it. She jumps out of the car, and she’s ready to run into the house and hide in her room, but Josh stops her.

He pulls her into a tight hug.

She doesn’t hug him back at first, more out of shock than anything. She can’t remember the last time they hugged; both of them aren’t exactly huggers.

She buries her face into his shoulder, and hugs him back. For a second, she’s fine, then the tears come and she sobbing into his shoulder.

“I’m such an idiot,” she cries.

“No you’re not,” He says softly.

They stand there for what feels like hours. Beth sobs, and it’s the first time she’s ever been held up by someone. His arms around her are warm, and she feels safe with him.

He feels a little taller to her now, and Beth feels a little smaller. Her embarrassment fades, and although it still hurts, she feels a little better afterwards.

 _Maybe one of us doesn’t have to be strong all the time,_ she realizes, _maybe we just need to be strong when the other is feeling small._

(The next day, she cuts her hair, and she sets up an appointment to get contacts. Hannah’s shocked, and is a little upset they look so different now, but Josh gives an encouraging smile, and she feels like herself again.)

 

* * *

 

 

Beth’s sixteen and a half when she kisses Jess.

They’re at a party, drunk and having fun. Feeling the liquid courage take over, she takes a chance.

Beth leans in and kisses her. Pretty soon they're making out in the middle of the dance floor, and Beth feels the fireworks. She feels the spark, the fire, and everything she wanted her first kiss to feel like.

The next day Jess doesn’t remember it. The others tell her and she laughs it off.

Beth does the same to hide her heartbreak.

Josh shoots her sympathetic glances all day. He (and Hannah though she doesn’t understand why) is the only one that noticed she was crying on the inside. She feels a little closer to him for it.

 

* * *

 

 

When she’s seventeen, Beth has the best night of her life.

She’s at prom, and Beth’s always been the type to laugh at how stupid the whole “a girl’s dream to go to prom” thing is, but she can’t deny that she’s never been so happy.

For once, everything is perfect. Mike and Emily aren’t fighting. Hannah is ignoring Mike and having a fun night with Sam. Josh seems happy. Chris is making halfway decent jokes.

She’s in such a good mood that even seeing Jess with some random senior doesn’t ruin her night (it still hurts, but watching her with other guys is less and less painful as the years move on).

She dances with her sister and Sam, and when she’s tired she hangs out with Josh and Chris.

As much as Beth hates to remember the night of her first kiss, she's kind of thankful for it. Ever since then her and Josh have actually been fixing their relationship. A part of her is guilty for thinking for all those years that Josh was made of glass.

Even Beth’s got to admit it now, her big brothers pretty tough. Plus, it’s nice to not have to always worry about being the strong one.

They laugh a lot. They joke around. For once in her life, everything is perfect.

The after party is even better.

It’s at their house because Josh loves nothing more then to throw giant parties.

Everyone shows up, and to Beth it’s exactly like prom, only more alcohol. She’s really glad that there's alcohol.

Josh out drinks everyone, and Beth finds it both impressive and incredibly funny (Chris draws dicks on his face when he passes out three hours later). Of course, even funnier than drunk Josh, is drunk Sam.

She babbles on and makes half slurred speeches on the rainforest or something. All the facts about nature blur together and she doesn’t make the lick of sense. Then of course, when’s she had a few too many, she starts to get emotional over the littlest of things (like crying about chipping her nail).

Hannah’s to busy babysitting Sam to get wasted herself. So Beth finally sees her chance to let loose without having to worry about Hannah.

She drinks too much, and dances wildly. At one point she remembers Jess cheering her on, and Beth feels like the center of the universe.

A girl kisses her.

Beth can’t remember her name at the time, but she remembers her from her calculus class. Beth didn’t even realize she was gay (she suspects that the girl didn’t know either).

She takes her up to her room, and they have sex.

It’s awkward and strange because they’re both drunk and never had sex before, but Beth remembers the night fondly.

They wake-up in her bed the next morning, and Beth manages to sneak her out before Josh wakes up. Hannah sees her leave though.

She’s never told her sister she was gay, but Hannah just knew (“It’s just a twin thing,” she tells Josh when he asks why). She smiles a little at Beth, and asks if she had a good night. Beth smiles brighter than she’s ever had in her life.

“It was perfect,” she tells her sister.

Hannah pulls her into a tight hug, and nothing ruins her mood for the rest of the day. Not even her splitting headache or the mountain of cleaning they’d all have to do.

For the first time since she was ten, Beth suspects that they’re all going to be all right.

 

* * *

 

 

Beth is eighteen when she dies.

A million things run though her mind – Hannah, Josh, Jess, Sam – but the last thing she remembers isn’t anything _really_ important, it’s of that stupid tree.

She thinks of climbing it, and how scared she was to fall. She remembers someone screaming (It was both Josh and Hannah, she finally realizes), and how, when she woke up, Josh was as pale as a ghost and more terrified than she's ever seen him.

She thinks the world isn’t fair. That she’s too young to die. She thinks of all the things she never had a chance to do. She thinks of her life, both the good times, and the bad.

She doesn’t feel the rock when she hits it. She doesn’t feel her spine snap in two and the blood splurt from her mouth. She especially doesn’t feel her body land on the cold mine floor, because she’s dead before she even hits the ground.

If Beth had just one more millisecond of time, just one, her last thought would have been, _It wasn’t such a bad life._


End file.
